Yeah, so it’s apparently mellow 60’s groove day in my head. 🙂
The daily stuff will be at the end of this post, but I want to talk a bit about the culture of diets. I figure, as it’s something I’m thinking about fairly often, as I work pretty much daily to withdraw from it, and make real, healthful choices, that maybe someone else needs some affirmation, or confirmation or something.
I could go down the list of diets I’ve been on. All the named ones, and some others, too. I’ve fasted, I’ve binged and purged, I’ve eaten 0 carbs, I’ve only drank grapefruit juice. It was like I would DO ANYTHING to wake up the next day, an acceptable weight and size. Because then I would be acceptable. To clothing designers, to random people at the grocery store who think it’s their business to say shit to strangers, to doctors, to probably well meaning family who maybe didn’t realize that their “tough love” about my weight sounded much more like a litany of failure. The diet industry plays on that bone deep sense of shame and failure to make itself a shitload of money, and millions of us, most of whom are relatively intelligent about most things, become slavering sheep jumping through whatever magic hoops will make us acceptable, and quickly.
The problem, though, is that the very basic premise- If I become slender, I will love me/be worthy of love/what the eff ever- is a lie. It’s the lie we tell ourselves all day every day. I’m going to try to explain this-I saw a quote the other day, and I’ve just spent 20 minutes googling and combing through Reddit looking for it, but to no avail, so you’re gonna be stuck with my own longwinded attempt at explaining this.
To oversimplify, if you don’t love yourself RIGHT NOW, what makes you think that you’ll love yourself tomorrow/next week/ever? If you think, “I’d love myself if I were thin.” You’re lying to yourself. I get it, I told myself this lie for DECADES. If you’re giving yourself conditions (“I will love me if…”) you’re lying. What you’re really saying, and all you’re saying is “I don’t love me.” Seriously. You have to start there. For six months I said to myself, “I’m working on getting healthier.” while outwardly not really doing a damn thing. Then I quit smoking. Then I spent another six months talking about how I was working on getting healthier. I was. I was working from the inside out, really though. It is HARD to learn to see all the things to love about a body and a human that you’ve trained yourself to loath for 25 years. 🙂 The initial start for me was a life drawing class I had to take. For the final we had to draw a 24x 36 nude self portrait. I literally contemplated quitting college to avoid that. Can you believe that shit? I almost quit college so I didn’t have to come face to face with my own body.
What I discovered? Well, first, I discovered that damn, I’m fat. (Not really a discovery, but you get my meaning. 🙂 ) After that I discovered that there were *gasp* things I liked about my body. And I figured out recently that the big problem I’d had with working out and standard exercises was that I treated it (and all the diets) like punishment. I was punishing myself for being bad, for being unacceptable. Fuck that. I’m doing what I’m doing now because I love myself enough to want to take care of this gift I was given.
Now, I’m going to be blunt and honest-I still don’t completely believe that. 🙂 Rather, I *know* that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing, but sometimes, that niggling little bitch in my head is all, “…you suckk….”, but I’m getting better at remembering that “this, too, shall pass.” Every day it gets a little easier.
Water: 6 glasses
Weight: 376 (that’s 2 lbs down since last Monday. 13 overall. :D)
I think this week, starting tomorrow since I’m about to post this is that I’m gonna do wall sits. Or at least as close as I can get. I’ll report back on length and how close I get to actual sitting position. 🙂