So, last night, after I posted, I spent most of the evening in and out of the kitchen, free-range grazing, as it were. I had a little of this and a little of that, and I’m pretty frowny about it. I know, today is a new day, and I’m doing and feeling better today, I’m on track, etc, but I still feel like I could have/should have better controlled myself.
To give a tiny bit of backstory-a few years ago, I had a really terrible year. Lots of stuff went on, a lot of it beyond my control, and I ended up having what older generations whisperingly called “a nervous breakdown”. The short version is that I was an emotional wreck, screaming at people, crying randomly and inappropriately, and just being a hot mess. So, I got some help. Part of that help was a year on some pretty hard core meds. Meds that absolutely killed my ability to feel anything. For awhile that was actually kind of rad, but then it was less so. So, I decided that I could (with what I learned in therapy) control my anxiety without medication. And I do. And I do it pretty well, I think. I can usually spot a panic attack before it gets to be one, and calm myself down, and I shit you not, yesterday, I think, was the first panic attack I’ve had since I started keeping track of my life changes here, so my theory that eating less junk helps is seeming to hold some water.
However, once in awhile, a panic attack will show up full blown with no warning, which is what happened yesterday, and I stayed at low grade freak out pretty much all day.
Now, I’m writing this, not because I’m making excuses for how I ate yesterday (I’m not. I ate like shit. I’m doing better today. End of story. 🙂 ), but …well, sometimes, I think I focus here too much on the awesome parts of this journey (And honestly, 90% of this *is* awesome. For example, right this moment, I’m wearing a pair of shorts that I couldn’t even get over my hips last summer.), and while I really, truly believe that the changes I’m making and the habits I’m building are wonderful positives in my life-I’m still me. There is no “If I do this my life will be a fairytale!”. There’s a lot of “If I do this, I will be even more awesome than I am right now, and I’ll likely live longer!” and “If I do this, I will feel so amazing!” but you will still have your quirks and foibles, your anxieties and road rage(not an affliction I have, but I know a lot of people who do). Those are separate things, and you can’t change every single aspect of your life at once, dear gods. I think that’s why so many of us have “failed” at the weight loss thing in our lives. Because we try to change every part of us that we don’t like all at once, and end up starving, pissed off, and stressed out. 😀
So, take it easier on yourself. Pick one thing, and do that thing like a motherfucker for 30 days. Then do one more thing. (30 days is an arbitrary number. I read somewhere and I can’t find where, that it takes 60 days to overwrite a habit with another one, and I find that to be mostly the case)
Just remember to love you. Always. Love you.
PS. I’m posting early because my kiddo has a band concert tonight. His last one as a middle schooler. So, I’ll be there.