So, had a bit of weight gain. As my yesterday’s post indicated, I expected it (Pretty sure it was mostly due to how much effing salt I had all weekend), but it always makes me feel like I suck. Breaking this cycle of feeling shitty is proving to be anything but simple. I’m smart enough to be aware that when I have a setback (Someone once used the phrase “Delayed success” and that makes me laugh so much), I should say to myself, “Welp. That’s not what we want, let’s do better.” And then I should move on. Right now though, I keep having ridiculous other steps before that. Things like “spend half the day sick to your stomach with shame” and “threaten to yourself to just drink water for three days like that’s going to do any good”. I’ll get to the “Move on. Do better” part of my day eventually, but I still am having to shove away the baggage first.
Stopping an unhealthy behavior is a pretty simple process, once you’ve decided that you want it. Making real, lasting changes to your life is not simple at all. And even when you know you’re going in the right direction, replacing 30 year old habits with fresh and new ones, is gonna take some tenacity.
And it’s not just replacing habits, really. It’s making sure that you’re not replacing these habits of disordered eating with other, equally disordered eating habits. Finding a balance in the middle of all the ways I want to be mean to me-out of habit, is where the difficulties lie, honestly.
I know I say things like, “It’s a process.” A Lot. I do that to remind me more than ya’ll, because I need, sometimes, to know that this is not going to last forever, and it’s not always going to be like this.
I talk about this being recovery, and I honestly believe that. I really do need to work on taking this whole process one day at a time, one meal at a time, one damn mood swing at a time.