Whew. :D

All the Christmas hubbub is done around here for the year.  And families are an interesting thing, but that’s a blog post for another time. *grin*

I’ve had a really rocking couple of weeks, all things considered. I didn’t weigh myself last Monday because *sharkweek*, and this morning, I weighed a pound more than I did two weeks ago.  I found this a little shocking because I have been eating ALL THE FOOD. *grin*

I was pretty mindful, but I also wasn’t going to let it be this big overbearing issue.

I think the biggest “win”, though, was that I woke up this morning and, instead of being all, “Time to get your shit together and stop screwing up.”, I was, “Whew. That was great, now let’s get back to normal.”

This is kind of a revelation for me. I don’t feel morally bad at all.  My gut, on the other hand, is thankful that things are getting back to normal.

And to think, I spent every day feeling that shitty. Man. Kinda nice, then, to be reminded why I’m doing this.

It’s also nice to be back to the blog. I thought I was needing to slow down posting, but I missed it over the holiday, so I’ll be rethinking that. It does ME a lot of good to have somewhere to 1)be accountable, and 2) process through things rather than driving everyone around me nuts. 😀

That’s it for this update, I’ll be around tomorrow with an actual post, and I look forward to 2014. 😀


Things and Stuff

My weekend was full of snow. 🙂 We apparently got about 8 inches of snow, so it was definitely a weekend spend in cozy company with my family. I tried to convince my husband yesterday, that we needed to build a shed out of snow, but he wasn’t having any of it. 🙂

The better part of this past week was filled with odd bouts of binginess.  Once I figured out what I was stressing about (Yay, holidays! I love them, but I stress about parts of my family, etc. You know, pretty much like everyone else 😀 ), it was easier to control and I still lost 2 lbs, according to the scale. 🙂

I know that I am going to be so prone to overeat and to eat like crap over the next two weeks, and I know that it gets worse for me when I add stress and emotional baggage to it, so while I will obviously be making the effort to eat relatively sensibly, I’m not going to beat myself up.  I am, however, going to give myself a couple “absolutes”, if you will.

Firstly, I *will* drink ALL THE WATER. Keeping hydrated will be my number one goal.  I will do one physical thing every day, even if it’s only 10 minutes of going up and down my stairs.  And I will do my best to be mellow and ENJOY the holidays. 🙂

Also, this week and next, I’m going to try a different posting schedule.  I’m going to see how posting Monday, Wednesday, Friday works for the holidays and we’ll go from there.

It looks like we’re going to get another several inches of snow this evening, so I am off to maybe bake some bread or something. 😀 Have a great day everyone!


PS. The Christmas theme already drove me nuts. So bear with me if the theme changes a couple more times before I settle on one that works. 😀

200 posts! *throws confetti*

When I started blogging back in March, I honestly did not expect to keep it up.  I’ve never been able to keep a journaling schedule, and I have tried many times.  I’ll go good for a while, then I’ll start slacking off, then I’ll find that I haven’t written anything in three months.  So, the fact that I’m still actively writing is fairly astonishing to me, and well worth celebrating. 🙂

To get ready for this post, I was looking at my first posts to see what’s different, what’s the same, that sort of thing. First off, I didn’t eat pizza when my gents ordered out.  This is hilarious to me because I *did* eat a piece of pizza last night-we actually ordered out for the first time in probably 2 months.  That’s one of the things that’s changed a lot since I started this blog-we eat out a lot less than we did, and generally when we do, I’m pretty mindful of what I order.

Another thing that’s changed, is in that same post, I note that I weighed 381 pounds-I weighed 352 on Monday. So there’s that.  Something that came up consistently in the early posts is that I struggled to drink 8 glasses of water a day.  I’m pretty proud to say that I have that done by noon usually, and my daily minimum now is 12 glasses of water.  I very rarely don’t make that (and when I don’t, it’s always because I don’t plan ahead and take water with me when I know I’m going to be out. :p )  I think getting enough water makes a huge difference in how I feel physically. If I don’t get enough, I tend to feel heavy and slow and just kind of icky.

My 100th post came during the summer at a time that I know now was kind of filled with this crazy focus on the scale, therefore I got discouraged and frustrated all the time, and that post kinda showed it, I think.

I also posted a “before and after” kind of face pictures, using a photo from Christmas 2009, and one of the most recent of the million selfies I take on Instagram. (Haha)  It kinda made me laugh, too, because things have changed for me in other ways.  So, I took that comparison, added a photo I took of myself in March, when I started, and added the newest of my selfies. *grin*  The thing about all the pictures I’m taking of my face is that I actually like my face now.  I don’t cringe when I see pictures of myself anymore.

200thpostIn another 100 posts-I would like to be farther along the path to the healthiest me, and still actively posting here.  I’d like to have to gripe about needing to buy new clothes AGAIN. I’d like to blog about how awesome it feels to walk longer distances, and I’d like to blog about how content I continue to be with myself, my changes and my life. 😀

Have a great weekend, folks. We’re supposed to get something like 6 inches of snow this weekend, so maybe we’ll build a fort in the backyard. :p (Or at least, shovel the driveway. *grin*)


The things you see on tv, and my own weird hangups

Hubby and I were watching a show called Strange Sex (We dig all sorts of weird documentaries. lol), and I’m pretty open minded about most kinks-by and large, those things aren’t any of my business, so I don’t really care, you know?

I should interrupt myself to say that this post will remain safe for work. 😀

Anyway, we watched an episode devoted to something called “Feederism”, and I feel like I need to address it a little, because my reaction was so strong. The idea of this particular kink is that the feedee wants to eat as much as possible and be as fat as possible, apparently deriving sexual pleasure from this, and her (It’s usually women, but probably not always) feeder derives sexual pleasure from feeding her and fattening her up and taking care of her.

I’ll be straight up and say that I found this segment extremely upsetting to watch, and my overwhelming question was, “Why?” The woman on the show said that she wanted to weigh 1,000 lbs.  Why?  I won’t talk about her potential health, because 1)It’s none of my business and 2)She was a grown ass adult who cannot live in the world today and not know what risks can lie with weighing 1,000 lbs.  But she talked about immobility as a goal, and I kind of freaked out a little.  I think hubby was fascinated by my response-to him, this was no different than any other weird kink.  It’s fascinating what people find sexy.  To me-I said at one point that I thought I was offended by the whole idea.

I think the reason that I had such a hard time with this is because, due to my own hangups about myself, I couldn’t just objectively watch.  She said she wanted to reach 1,000 lbs. and become immobile, and those ideas are probably the worst things I could imagine happening to me.  These women apparently get sexual pleasure out of something I have been running away from all my life.

This isn’t meant to be a judgement on the choices of other people, but maybe a treatise on how very deep my own war with my body had gone that, even now, I want to rebel, to negate, to run from even the idea that someone could not only love themselves at 500 lbs, but feel sexy and proud about it.  This isn’t a judgement on them at all, it’s on me and the lurking remnants of shame and self-loathing that pop up in odd places.

I’m going in the right direction, but that’s one more goal to add to the things I strive for-to be able to see that other people will make choices that I don’t get AT ALL, without my having to personalize it or internalize it into something that viciously bothers me.


(As an aside that may or may not be related-as I was Googling for this post, I found that the woman on the episode-the one striving for immobility- is now single and trying to lose weight to take care of her children. I don’t know how that fits into how I feel about this, but I did think it was interesting enough to note.)