Hubby and I were watching a show called Strange Sex (We dig all sorts of weird documentaries. lol), and I’m pretty open minded about most kinks-by and large, those things aren’t any of my business, so I don’t really care, you know?
I should interrupt myself to say that this post will remain safe for work. 😀
Anyway, we watched an episode devoted to something called “Feederism”, and I feel like I need to address it a little, because my reaction was so strong. The idea of this particular kink is that the feedee wants to eat as much as possible and be as fat as possible, apparently deriving sexual pleasure from this, and her (It’s usually women, but probably not always) feeder derives sexual pleasure from feeding her and fattening her up and taking care of her.
I’ll be straight up and say that I found this segment extremely upsetting to watch, and my overwhelming question was, “Why?” The woman on the show said that she wanted to weigh 1,000 lbs. Why? I won’t talk about her potential health, because 1)It’s none of my business and 2)She was a grown ass adult who cannot live in the world today and not know what risks can lie with weighing 1,000 lbs. But she talked about immobility as a goal, and I kind of freaked out a little. I think hubby was fascinated by my response-to him, this was no different than any other weird kink. It’s fascinating what people find sexy. To me-I said at one point that I thought I was offended by the whole idea.
I think the reason that I had such a hard time with this is because, due to my own hangups about myself, I couldn’t just objectively watch. She said she wanted to reach 1,000 lbs. and become immobile, and those ideas are probably the worst things I could imagine happening to me. These women apparently get sexual pleasure out of something I have been running away from all my life.
This isn’t meant to be a judgement on the choices of other people, but maybe a treatise on how very deep my own war with my body had gone that, even now, I want to rebel, to negate, to run from even the idea that someone could not only love themselves at 500 lbs, but feel sexy and proud about it. This isn’t a judgement on them at all, it’s on me and the lurking remnants of shame and self-loathing that pop up in odd places.
I’m going in the right direction, but that’s one more goal to add to the things I strive for-to be able to see that other people will make choices that I don’t get AT ALL, without my having to personalize it or internalize it into something that viciously bothers me.
(As an aside that may or may not be related-as I was Googling for this post, I found that the woman on the episode-the one striving for immobility- is now single and trying to lose weight to take care of her children. I don’t know how that fits into how I feel about this, but I did think it was interesting enough to note.)