Depression and why I advocate sunshine

It’s been a minute hasn’t it?  I kind of left everything on pause there for a bit, but I think I’m good now, or at least better. Here in the Midwest, I would like to let it be known that I am pretty well done with the idea of snow. Dear gods, let’s have some green, growing things, yeah?

I’ve talked a little bit before about my own dealings with anxiety and depression, and I thought quite a bit about just glossing over this and picking back up here on the blog.  I think that might be a bit of a disservice, though, to anyone who may be having a similar time.

For me, depression is not so much a sadness, as it is an utter absence of feeling.  And it’s kind of hard to figure out what to do to get back into life, sometimes.  I firmly believe that this time of year (In the Northern hemisphere, other way around for southern hemisphere folks) is HARD on everyone, but more so on people who spend the rest of the year working to maintain some level of normalcy that works for them.

In the last week, I’ve started seeing more sunshine, and that has made the biggest difference to me.  Even if it’s 5 degrees Fahrenheit outside, if the sun is shining in your window onto your face, it makes the day A LOT easier.  For me, at least.

I’ve spent this last week pep talking myself and thinking about ways to get more active again, and I feel ready and encouraged for the first time in weeks, so I know that it’s time to get back to work.

Today, for me, will be a day of action-of getting things going again and of being good to me.  I hope you, too, spend the day being good to you.


Let’s just worry about ourselves. :)

When I read this blog post, my heart went out to the woman on the receiving end of this bullshit.  How humiliating and uncalled for.  We all have some family member or friend who has convinced themselves that they mean well, as an excuse to just say some horrible shit to people.

But, what about the people who continually make little, apparently innocuous comments every time you see them?

I’ve spent the better part of the last year evaluating my relationships with different people in my life, and the big thing I’ve learned is that a lot of what I had made about me, was really about the people talking to me, and at Christmas I realized a good example of that.

Weight is a great big deal in my family, and I spent a lot of my adult life feeling like the big target, but once I stepped outside my own fortress of excuses, I was able to see that it’s not about me at all.

I’ve talked before about the fact that people feel the need to say all sorts of things to fat people about their health, and their apparent eating habits.  But this also goes the other way.

One of my brothers is tall and fit looking, but he used to be a bit bigger when he was in high school and college.  So, one of the things I see a lot are family who don’t see him often always remarking about how thin he is, the general connotation being that he needs a sandwich.   Now, of my brothers and I, I am definitely the one most likely to be offended out loud by people’s behavior, so I want to get mad about the fact that we come from a family that will cut you down for being too fat, then cut you down for being too thin.

But really, we all see this, all the time, everywhere.  It’s not a family thing, it’s a life thing. We live in a society that will vehemently berate you for not being “the social norm”. And that norm changes depending on who you’re talking to.

Pop culture feeds tall and slender ideals to us as what the desired norm should be, while memes and things all over the internet talk about “Men like curves, only dogs like bones” bullshit, when, in reality, we’re all wonderful, beautiful people, and when we build other people up, instead of putting them down-this is when we fly and soar and reach things we thought impossible.

This is one of my big goals this year-to be less critically judgmental of other people, and just accept that the way they look, act, talk will rarely have anything at all to do with me.

2013-Done with you! Onto bigger and better years!

In March, I started this little blog, full of hope, but also some fear, because I’d talked about changes before, they never seemed to “stick”.   Now, at the beginning of the new year, I feel excited about the changes I’ve made, and where they’re going to take me this year, and what changes I can add to them to continue on this road of awesome.

I have been discouraged. I didn’t lose as much as I’d hoped to when I started.  But I have lost 39 pounds since March, and that’s a huge damn deal. 😀  I still think too much about what other people think, but that’s getting better, too.  I am more able to let go of the opinions of people who aren’t interested in helping me fly, and taking proper consideration of the opinions of the people who are. J

For the first time in my adult life, my New Year’s resolution is not, “Lose some weight.” I actually have a bit of a list this year!   Of course, I will continue learning how to be the healthiest me, but that also includes things not related to eating well, or fitness.  Sure, I will be working on watching my salt, and getting out the door EVERY DAY. J  But I’m also going to be working on things like drawing more, organizing the family genealogy into something I can share with anyone interested, and simplifying my living space-getting rid of clutter and learning some organizational skills.

The big resolution is to remember, always, that health is way way more than numbers and calories.  Those things are important, for sure, and I can’t neglect them, but for me, they can’t be the only things.  It’s a whole package deal.  And I think I’ve got this. J

I hope you folks are all hopeful for the new year as well. Hope is important. 😀

200 posts! *throws confetti*

When I started blogging back in March, I honestly did not expect to keep it up.  I’ve never been able to keep a journaling schedule, and I have tried many times.  I’ll go good for a while, then I’ll start slacking off, then I’ll find that I haven’t written anything in three months.  So, the fact that I’m still actively writing is fairly astonishing to me, and well worth celebrating. 🙂

To get ready for this post, I was looking at my first posts to see what’s different, what’s the same, that sort of thing. First off, I didn’t eat pizza when my gents ordered out.  This is hilarious to me because I *did* eat a piece of pizza last night-we actually ordered out for the first time in probably 2 months.  That’s one of the things that’s changed a lot since I started this blog-we eat out a lot less than we did, and generally when we do, I’m pretty mindful of what I order.

Another thing that’s changed, is in that same post, I note that I weighed 381 pounds-I weighed 352 on Monday. So there’s that.  Something that came up consistently in the early posts is that I struggled to drink 8 glasses of water a day.  I’m pretty proud to say that I have that done by noon usually, and my daily minimum now is 12 glasses of water.  I very rarely don’t make that (and when I don’t, it’s always because I don’t plan ahead and take water with me when I know I’m going to be out. :p )  I think getting enough water makes a huge difference in how I feel physically. If I don’t get enough, I tend to feel heavy and slow and just kind of icky.

My 100th post came during the summer at a time that I know now was kind of filled with this crazy focus on the scale, therefore I got discouraged and frustrated all the time, and that post kinda showed it, I think.

I also posted a “before and after” kind of face pictures, using a photo from Christmas 2009, and one of the most recent of the million selfies I take on Instagram. (Haha)  It kinda made me laugh, too, because things have changed for me in other ways.  So, I took that comparison, added a photo I took of myself in March, when I started, and added the newest of my selfies. *grin*  The thing about all the pictures I’m taking of my face is that I actually like my face now.  I don’t cringe when I see pictures of myself anymore.

200thpostIn another 100 posts-I would like to be farther along the path to the healthiest me, and still actively posting here.  I’d like to have to gripe about needing to buy new clothes AGAIN. I’d like to blog about how awesome it feels to walk longer distances, and I’d like to blog about how content I continue to be with myself, my changes and my life. 😀

Have a great weekend, folks. We’re supposed to get something like 6 inches of snow this weekend, so maybe we’ll build a fort in the backyard. :p (Or at least, shovel the driveway. *grin*)


The things you see on tv, and my own weird hangups

Hubby and I were watching a show called Strange Sex (We dig all sorts of weird documentaries. lol), and I’m pretty open minded about most kinks-by and large, those things aren’t any of my business, so I don’t really care, you know?

I should interrupt myself to say that this post will remain safe for work. 😀

Anyway, we watched an episode devoted to something called “Feederism”, and I feel like I need to address it a little, because my reaction was so strong. The idea of this particular kink is that the feedee wants to eat as much as possible and be as fat as possible, apparently deriving sexual pleasure from this, and her (It’s usually women, but probably not always) feeder derives sexual pleasure from feeding her and fattening her up and taking care of her.

I’ll be straight up and say that I found this segment extremely upsetting to watch, and my overwhelming question was, “Why?” The woman on the show said that she wanted to weigh 1,000 lbs.  Why?  I won’t talk about her potential health, because 1)It’s none of my business and 2)She was a grown ass adult who cannot live in the world today and not know what risks can lie with weighing 1,000 lbs.  But she talked about immobility as a goal, and I kind of freaked out a little.  I think hubby was fascinated by my response-to him, this was no different than any other weird kink.  It’s fascinating what people find sexy.  To me-I said at one point that I thought I was offended by the whole idea.

I think the reason that I had such a hard time with this is because, due to my own hangups about myself, I couldn’t just objectively watch.  She said she wanted to reach 1,000 lbs. and become immobile, and those ideas are probably the worst things I could imagine happening to me.  These women apparently get sexual pleasure out of something I have been running away from all my life.

This isn’t meant to be a judgement on the choices of other people, but maybe a treatise on how very deep my own war with my body had gone that, even now, I want to rebel, to negate, to run from even the idea that someone could not only love themselves at 500 lbs, but feel sexy and proud about it.  This isn’t a judgement on them at all, it’s on me and the lurking remnants of shame and self-loathing that pop up in odd places.

I’m going in the right direction, but that’s one more goal to add to the things I strive for-to be able to see that other people will make choices that I don’t get AT ALL, without my having to personalize it or internalize it into something that viciously bothers me.


(As an aside that may or may not be related-as I was Googling for this post, I found that the woman on the episode-the one striving for immobility- is now single and trying to lose weight to take care of her children. I don’t know how that fits into how I feel about this, but I did think it was interesting enough to note.)